Raising an International Family in Japan: Experiences and Advice

Introduction

Raising a child takes effort. Raising an international family in Japan comes with unique efforts. In my guide on childcare for international families in Japan, I wrote about the various options to find the best childcare. For soon-to-be-parents and new parents, it’s common to have questions like, “What would the day-to-day look like?” or “What is it like to be a parent raising a bilingual child?” If you or your partner works in tech, you might wonder, “How does working in tech impact the experience of being a parent?” The aim of this article is to give you a glimpse into what the day-to-day of my family is like as an example of an international family living in Japan.

• Mother: Japanese. Fluent in English, Japanese, and Italian. Works full-time at home, as sole proprietor.

• Father: Italian. Fluent in Italian, English. Speaks some Japanese. Works full-time as a software engineer, mainly at home.

• Daughter: 2 years old. Mainly speaks Japanese, and a little bit of English and Italian. Attends a 認可保育園 ninka hoikuen. 

• Location: Tokyo, in one of the 23 wards.

• Family Support: No grandparents or relatives living nearby.

Our routines and experiences may differ from yours. The intention of this article is to share our experience as an example. Additionally, the routine we had when our daughter was one was very different from what it is today. With each stage of her growth, we’ve adjusted our routine accordingly, especially for meals and sleeping.

 

A Day in the Life of an International Family: Weekday

Thanks to the sun that rises very early these days, my partner and I have been getting up a little before 5:00. Our daughter wakes up around 6:30-7:00, so we take full advantage of this and spend time exercising. He goes cycling while I do yoga and meditate. We take turns preparing breakfast, usually before she wakes up. Our breakfast time is around 7:15-7:30, and her typical meal consists of eggs, fruit, yogurt, onigiri, or bread. After eating, one of us cleans her up while the other cleans the dining area. Meal time with a toddler can be quite messy and can take time. Our daughter usually takes 20 minutes to finish her meal with lots of mess from playing with food.

Around 8:00, while our daughter watches YouTube in English, we change her clothes. One of us brushes her teeth and hair while the other person does other things like doing the dishes and tidying the house. We check to see we’ve packed her bag for school and update her condition on the communication app we use with the nursery school. Once that’s done, around 8:30 one of us takes her to nursery school by bicycle. We used to walk to school all three of us, but now because of the heat, we prefer not to do this. By bike, it’s a 5-minute ride, and by foot, it takes 20 minutes. At the school, it takes about 15 minutes to drop her off, speak to the teacher, and check the designated locker for any additional changes and diapers to be taken to school later. It might take longer on some days when she’s not in the mood or gets distracted by other children in other classes.

At 5:30 pm, it’s usually my partner who takes the bike to pick our daughter up. If we have the time, we check the communication app before she comes home, where the teacher sends daily updates about what she ate, how much she slept, what she did, and any other unusual bowel movements or health changes. While my partner is picking our daughter up, I usually cook dinner. They usually arrive home around 6:00. Now that it’s hot, they immediately take a shower together. Dinner time is around 6:15-6:30. To help our daughter go to sleep, we try to have dinner early. What we eat for dinner varies, but our main staple food is rice. We also eat pasta and homemade pizza relatively more often. We make an effort to include different kinds of vegetables in the meal. Our daughter will sometimes eat them and sometimes not. It’s a hit-and-miss, and on some days, she eats very little.

After dinner, while one of us is playing with her, the other gets the washing machine going and cleans up the dining area. Bedtime reading is around 7:30, followed by brushing her teeth. Either my partner or I put her to sleep while the other does the dishes and prepares what’s needed for school the next day. She usually goes to sleep around 8:30. Sometimes, we fall asleep while putting her to sleep, but if we’re lucky, we spend time together in the evening.

There are some days when one of us has to start work earlier or do longer hours. In these cases, we still try to maintain a consistent schedule for our daughter.

There are some things we’ve observed about what makes the routine run smoothly. First and most importantly, having some alone time increases the satisfaction of the day. Since getting up earlier to make time for myself, I’ve noticed I’m being more patient with my daughter and myself. Second is to do as much as possible the night before. Now that we know what we need to take to nursery school each day, it’s much easier to prepare in advance. Third, communicate the day’s schedule the night or day before. If one of us has to start work earlier or work longer hours, we always make sure the other person can adjust theirs to keep the routine going.

 

A Day in the Life of an International Family: Weekend 

Our morning routine is more or less the same as a weekday until 9:00 am. We sometimes spend a bit more time making pancakes together. In months when the weather is nice, mornings are usually spent at the park near home. I had never paid so much attention to the proximity of parks and the kind of playground that’s available near our home but I’ve learned that this is actually pretty important. Not all parks have the same kind of play areas that accommodate the same age group. 

Especially when they are little, it’s good to check if there are, for example, swings and slides that your child can ride and play with. Because it’s been extremely hot even at 9:00 am in July, we spend the morning going to 児童館 jidoukan which are public play centers free to local residents. You can typically find information about them on the municipality website, such as this list by Suginami Ward. We absolutely love the center we go to because it has many toys for her age and there are children of various ages playing together. It’s also a safe environment so there’s less stress on us as parents. Other options for morning exploration are:

• じゃぶじゃぶ池 jyabujyabu ike. These are basically small streams or ponds usually in parks where your children can play with water. If you live in Tokyo, you can find the list of parks provided by the Tokyo Bureau of Construction,

• Large shopping malls or department stores. For department stores, there might be open space play areas that’s at the rooftop. We like the one at Takashimaya Department in Futakotamagawa (Apparently it’s closed now till the end of September 2024). They also usually have a restaurant floor that is family friendly.

• The Local Library. For some areas, there are sections for English picture books and even other languages available. 

When we have lunch depends on what time we come home but typically it’s between 11:30 am - 12:30 pm.  Nap time is sometime around 12:30-1:00 pm. Like our routine during the week, we try our best to reflect her nap routine at the nursery school to maintain consistency. Now that she is two, she takes only one nap but when she was 1 or even younger, she used to have one nap in the morning and one in the afternoon. These days she wakes up around 2:00-2:30 pm and from there we play at home to stay away from the heat outside. If it’s not too hot, we might go outside again for a walk or play in the nearby park. 

Our night routine is more or less the same for weekends with slight variation in meal time. Depending on where we go in the afternoon, we eat at home around 6:00-7:00 pm. Sometimes, if we’re home in the afternoon, my partner will make pizza from scratch and our daughter plays with the dough aka “helps out” with the preparation. After dinner, we sometimes have calls with my in-laws in Italy where our daughter talks to her nonno and nonna. After some bedtime reading, she usually goes to sleep before 9:00 PM. 

 

Navigating Language Barriers and Culture Shocks

My partner and I have been together for over a decade, and have lived in each other’s home towns so when our daughter was born, I assumed we had already gotten used to each other’s customs and habits. This proved to be wrong and for me, has been a delightful opportunity that’s helped us learn more about each other’s upbringing and background. Here are some observations.

 

Breastfeeding

When we went to visit my in-laws for the first time after becoming parents, I was still breast feeding our daughter. She was also taking formula milk. I experienced a surprising culture shock as soon as I landed. In Italy, at least where my partner is from, it’s very normal for women to breastfeed in public and in front of family members. In Japan, women typically use 授乳ケープ jyunyu kepu or breastfeeding capes to cover themselves or go to a room to nurse if they are out in public. In Japan, I would always use a cape.

 

Books

Another interesting difference I noticed was reading picture books. In Japan, it’s very common for parents to buy picture books or borrow from the library. In fact many of the books we have at home were given to us by my mom and aunt from when I was little. In Japanese, the act of someone reading a book to a child is called 読み聞かせ yomikikase and there are many online articles that suggest parents to read book to babies as young as 3 months old. The Tokyo  Metropolitan Library also has a FAQ with suggestions for which books to read to 0-1 year-olds. This is very different from how my partner’s family reacted when I told them we were looking for picture books for our then 3 month old daughter. I don’t have any information to back this up but it seems like it's not as customary for parents to read to their children at a young age there.

 

Food

When our daughter started eating solids, I didn’t follow the traditional Japanese process. Instead, I looked for sources online in Japanese, English, and Italian and tried different things. In Japan, they almost always say to start with rice porridge, specifically one that has been diluted 10 times . In Italy, they say pureed apples, pears, and bananas. She tried them all and fortunately, didn’t have any problems. As she started eating more solids, we also received packages from Italy with baby food. There was pasta for babies and baby food like ragu sauce and ricotta cheese which for Japanese standards were supposed to be introduced later on. We still gave them to her. Japan puts emphasis on detailed rules on the kind of food to feed and how to prepare them. For an international family, not all things will fit and I think that’s completely normal. 

Now that she’s two and can eat almost everything we eat, we proactively cook together. It’s also an excellent moment for us to introduce new vocabulary in Italian. Pizza is our go-to for family cooking time and we love to process and of course the result. 

 

Communication 

The biggest challenge for us has been communication with clinics, nursery schools, and any external services or support here. I used to take the larger responsibility of being the main point of communication and I found it sometimes frustrating. For example, when we would go to the pediatrician, I was usually the one who explained to the doctor the symptoms. I was the one who responded to phone calls from the nursery school, and dealt with any paperwork. This is not to say my partner wasn’t trying. He was but because there was a lot of vocabulary he was still learning.. Today, he can do most things without me. Sometimes a teacher might say something he didn’t catch or he might miscommunicate but we recognize it’s a matter of getting used to and building trust.

As they say in Japan, 子育ては親育て raising a child is nurturing yourself as a parent the acceptance that we are not perfect and are continuously evolving as our children are helps see and enjoy the progress that we ourselves are making. 

 

Strategies for Raising Bilingual and Multilingual Children in Japan

Since we communicated to each other in Italian at home, we decided to maintain Italian as a language at home. This is called the Minority Language at Home (MLAH) Method. Today, I speak to our daughter 70% of the time in Japanese, 20% in Italian, and maybe 10 in English. My partner speaks mostly Italian but he might mix some Japanese words in it to help our daughter understand.

Interestingly, our daughter did not experience any speech delays, but rather learned to speak pretty quickly. On reflection, there are few things which may have helped nurture her learning.  First is providing exposure to the language through your network. We would invite our Italian friends over even when she was little. We also get together with Japanese and Italian- speaking families every so often. If resources permit, giving  your child a chance to get to know relatives who are outside of Japan is also helpful. Having an active online community has also been a great support for us as parents. Tokyo Mothers Group is a community that caters to international families. Their Facebook page is very active and you can get advice from fellow parents on your child’s specific development. 

 

What it’s like to have a Partner in Tech

My partner and I both recognize that flexibility in his role has had the most positive impact on our experience raising the family. He works from home, and this has been consistent throughout our parenthood. When our daughter was a newborn, I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without leaving her alone, so I would ask him to sit next to her for a short while. During lunchtime, he would always spend time with her. If she got sick and needed to see a doctor, he often came with us for emotional support. Benefits like paid leave and remote work have also allowed us to spend time in Italy while he worked.

So having an understanding employer certainly helps the transition as new parents. There are many family-friendly tech companies in Japan that provide benefits such as maternity and paternity leave, shorter work hours for new parents, and flexible work environments.

Of course, not everything is perfect. The constant and rapid changes that come with being in tech are no surprise to anyone reading this. Becoming a parent inevitably means revisiting your priorities and allocating your resources wisely. The fear of falling behind and becoming obsolete is a real challenge that many software engineers face, including the clients I work with. It's not an overnight change, but we have regained a clearer sense of what is important to us about being in tech. Supporting each other as my partner went from feeling fearful and frustrated to accepting and at peace helped us grow as a couple. I am very proud and inspired by the shift he’s made in his priorities. At the same time, it has strengthened my passion to continue working as a career coach for professionals in tech with diverse backgrounds.

 

Conclusion

The funny story is our daughter got sick while I was writing this article. Equipped with learnings from the previous year, I felt more ready to face the challenge. Luckily, she only missed a few days of school, and with a coincidental family member visit, we were able to get back to our routine rather quickly.

Raising a family comes with challenges of various shapes and sizes. For international families, these challenges can be compounded by cultural and linguistic differences. Navigating these differences while learning about each other’s cultural backgrounds has provided a unique opportunity for growth in our family. The snapshot of our daily routines offers a glimpse into our habits as a Japanese-Italian family, influenced by a spouse working in tech.

The journey of raising an international family has been the most rewarding experience for me so far. I hope our experiences provide some insight and encouragement.